Types of people in queues

Being a human being that has been around other human beings, I have been a part of an activity in which a number of humans stand one after another waiting for something to happen or something to buy or something to eat, theoretically in a civilized manner. In those low moments in my life I decided I could use the time to figure out the few set types of people that inhabit such lines on a regular basis so that the next time I encounter such a person in such a situation I will not be startled and hence will be and be to control my murderous thoughts in a proper manner.
Being a generous person I have decided to share my new found knowledge with the people of the Internet.
Ahem.
         TYPES OF PEOPLE IN QUEUES
1. The cut-the-rope player.

Except that person is now playing with full grown humans who will not cheer and clap for them. Poor souls get their entire clan cursed by this one simple looking crime. Deservedly.

2. The player wannabe

These people try to cut in but are repeatedly thwarted by the superior intellects of the people who have waited for maybe hours to get to where they are and will not let some punk just get between them and their end goal. These also get cursed, but do not get the perks so it’s a sad life for them.

3. The people’s rights activists

These people will raise their voices whenever anyone attempts a 1 or 2. When anyone steps on someone else’s foot. Whenever the person working the line seems too slow. Whenever they realize that the surroundings are too hot for survival. When they realize that there’s a tiny hole in the ground a little way off the line. Whenever they’re bored. They sometimes look like all they want to do is fight, but they do provide entertainment so points for that.

4. The one in outer space

This one shouldn’t be allowed out of the house without supervision. They completely zone out and then forget to walk forward when the rest of the line does, making the people behind them very, very mad. I feel sorry for them, but they encourage the 1’s and so they lose points.

5. The klutz

The solution for 4! I like these people unless they’re standing near me. They stumble over their own feet and fall onto the poor stranger standing in the front of them, and it’s not like the movies at all, because no one standing in a quest is in a good enough mood for romance and they get yelled at. Haha.

6. The ostrich

The one who will yell the most at the klutz because “OMG can’t you look where you’re going?” While they’re glued to their phone screen. They will shuffle forward mindlessly when they feel the people in front of them move but they probably don’t do it purposefully. The people in front of them are just good at blocking the sun’s glare from falling on the screen.

7. The chatterbox

This one will not stop talking. Maybe they’re talking to the person beside you. Maybe they’re talking to you. Maybe they’re talking to themselves. Either way, they talk a lot. It is annoying sometimes, specially when they stick to you and then bum a ride home and stuff,  but at times they’re a nice relief from just standing in a queue while twiddling your thumbs and hoping that the people I the front will just change their minds and leave.

8. The undecided

They don’t know if they want to be in the queue or not. They’ll leave. Then come back. Loom around them with the confused air of a dog who’s just been taught chemistry. Then they’ll leave again. Then they’ll stand beside the line, hand on chin, thinking deeply about the implications of joining the line before they decide to 
                  “Meh. Fuck it.”
And leave.  But not without the blessings of all the people behind them. The world needs more people like them.

9. The personal space invader

There’s an unwritten rule that two people standing behind each other in a queue ought to not touch. No I don’t want to feel your breath on my back thank you and back off. They will step on the backs of your foot. They will bump into you. They will burn in the fiery pits of hell. Enough said.

10. The holder-upper

I don’t like these people. They reach the end of the line and instead of being gleefully generous and buzzing off like the little pests these people are, they will stay. Even though they’ve been staring at the board in front of them for an hour, they still don’t know what they want to eat. Even though they’ve read what the prices for the tickets are before they joined the queue, they still want to argue with the poor guy who does not control ticket prices. Even though there are brochures available right there on the counter, they will not pick one up and instead pester the counter keeper with inane questions. Even though people behind them are yelling their heads off, they will simply shoot a glare behind them and continue to make the lives of everyone on the civility miserable because they were too stupid to make up their minds  when they were supposed to. These people are right behind the personal space invaders in the queue to boiling lava in my mind.

THE LIEBSTER AWARD and HOW NOT TO SPEECH

So I have been nominated for the “Liebster Award” which is awesome, so thank you Blackbird.

What you basically have to do is thank the nominator and link back to their site, answer whatever questions that have been asked, nominate a few more people and ask them questions and other stuff as well. It’s a lot of work.

This is my first ever “award” on WordPress, so I am quite excited. So, yeah. I guess I’ll get around to answering the questions now.

1) If you could punch any public figure in the face right now, with no repercussions, who would it be?

Oh wow. Times like this I realize that I am really nice. I don’t particularly want to punch anyone in the face. Not just because I suck majorly at punching and will probably make a fool of myself. So I cannot think of anyone right now. Maybe I’ll update this later (?).

2) If you could pick three evils to rid the world of forever, what would those be?

Ohh…serious business… I dunno really. I mean, they’re mostly all connected, so removing one might lead to removing another…but I’m usually online so I think I’ll talk about the hate found online.

I would like to remove the opinion-based hate, the anonymous hate and the unnecessarily-rude hate. There’s always poverty and gender inequality and animal abuse that I would like to remove, but these three are something people don’t usually talk about so I figured I’d just that this actually exists, and it is growing.

3) What are you wearing? What is the comfiest item of clothing you’ve ever owned in your life?

Probably this shirt I got that’s two sizes too big for me. I wear it all the time. But as a kid I had this yellow dress that I apparently wore everyday till my mother finally grew tired of it and threw it away. So that might be it as well.

4) What is your comfort food when you’re sick?

Cake. Or maybe porridge. My mother makes the best porridge ever. If she wants to.

5) What was the most emotionally involving story you’ve ever heard/read/watched?

6) Which is more awesome: Dragons or Zombies?

Dragons. They kick ass.

For some reason I’ve always associated zombies with internet geeks. They’re slow, they’re kind of antisocial, they have a mob-mentality…I dunno. They just seem lame to me.

7) What is the most ridiculous situation you ever dreamed yourself in?

I had this dream a few years ago that I was in a building that was actually a robot and that the robot made me go to the hundredth or something floor and threw me down. It was actually a pretty normal dream, but it was dreamed in such detail that I remember it clearly even now. I should probably write a story about it.

8) If you were a tree and you were chopped for wood/paper, what would you like to be made into?

A food cabinet? A bird-house? A computer table?

9) Do you have anything you keep for sentimental reasons that would otherwise be considered junk?

Yes. I have a sharpened refill, a bunch of chalks that I used to carve as a kid, a piece of aluminium foil that I pressed into a perfectly circular plate, a bunch of books that I used to write my “story” in back when I dreamed of writing the most epic adventure-fantasy novel ever, a bunch of drawings from when I wanted to draw a comic, a piece of ribbon that belonged to my guinea-pig’s teddy bear, I have a lot of junk that gives me a shitload of feels.

10) If you could meet any fictional character and give them a great big hug, who would it be?

This is a tough one. I tend to not like a lot of characters…but I guess I would love to hug Bepo from One Piece since he’s a polar bear and everyone wants to hug a polar bear, right?

11) Is there anything seemingly harmless that when people do around you drives you completely nuts?
Yup. Too many to list, actually. But a small list will include
Keeping the door of any room partially open.
Laughing without telling me why.
Being “cute” and poking me constantly.
Existing.
Now for the facts about me.
1. I dislike getting surprises. Not that I dislike the gifts, I just don’t know the appropriate amount of enthusiasm to display which might make people hate me or get super creeped out.
2. I have 7 blogs apart from this one. None on WordPress though, which is a pity. I have forgotten the username and password and email addresses of each one. So if you want to make a blog and the domain is taken, sorry. It might be me hogging all of them for no reason.
3. Cattle scare me. Living in India is made quite difficult due to this stupid fear.
4. Cats scare me.
5. I suck at thinking out random facts.
6. I wrote my first twelve page book when I was 9. My mom said it was okay.
7. I enjoy watching my guinea pig eat and then calling her fat afterwards.
8. I enjoy walking around with biscuits in my pockets because then my dog listens to me.
9. I talk to myself more than I talk to anyone else. I am the most interesting person I have talked to.
10. This list is starting to sound sad.
11. I am not very good with lists.

And that is how you fail at awards. Just in case you were curious. Grade A material right there. Sorry for making you read that. If anyone actually did read that. Probably didn’t. Hi mom!

So anyway, I will not link to other bloggers because my social awkwardness has come over to greet me in the internet-realm as well. That’s just wonderful. But I do enjoy reading well over a hundred blogs. Seriously, I just checked and it’s over 100. That’s a lot of blogs.
Okay. I guess this is it? I’m gonna go now.

3 MONTH ANNIVERSARY!!! or PEOPLE HAVE ISSUES

So I was going to post this yesterday, which was actually the anniversary date-thing, but I forgot. I typed it out, and everything, and then logged in to WP and then just felt too lazy to copy-paste the whole thing here. I have no other excuse.

So today my blog complete 3 months of existence!!! I thought I should do something special for today, since I’ve completely ignored all other “birthdays” of this thing, but I suck at doing anything special, so I’m going to be pleased that I remembered this and move on.

Nope. But if you’re me, you should know that already.

People have issues (notice the amazingly smooth segue). Real issues.

Yesterday, I wanted an excuse to not be studying so I decided to take my dog out for a walk earlier than usual. By earlier, I mean it wasn’t completely dark outside so I could see what was going on around me quite clearly. Big mistake.

Just as I walked out the gate, I saw three people laughing so loudly that my big, brave dog decided they were planning to eat him and tried his best to run away from them. Or maybe he just needed to pee real bad and didn’t appreciate me taking my time to glare at the three random strangers who were actually within their rights to be laughing freely in a public space.

I finally conceded and followed him, and had gone no more than ten feet ahead when one of the three hyenas decided it would be hilarious to cycle extremely close to the footpath on which I was walking while ringing her bell constantly and laughing horribly loudly.

Ignoring her and trying my best to stop my dog from jumping on her cycle , I was walking ahead when suddenly, she overtook us, screamed while hysterically laughing, got down from her bicycle, picked it up, threw it back on the ground and ran back towards her “friends (?)”, still screaming and laughing. I wasn’t sure what to make of that. There was a bicycle lying there in the middle of the road, people were trying their best to not crush it beneath their cars, everybody was being inconvenienced by that stupid girl, and my dog was pulling at his leash because there was a hot female Labrador a few feet away from him staring at the scene as well.

I did my best to tell Mikey that inter-breed mating wouldn’t be allowed in my family, and he shouldn’t be able to want to do it since his “family jewels” have been mercilessly snipped off years ago because of my sister and her sadistic boyfriend, but he was in love and didn’t want to listen to me, so I decided to move and not have a law suit filed against my dog for indecent behavior by the snooty looking bitch (Get it? Because it was a female dog? I crack myself up).

An hour or so later, as I was returning (or being pulled by Mikey because he had apparently had enough of the walk already), the damned cycle was still fucking lying there, owner less. People were still honking and glaring at it as if it was suddenly going to turn into a sentient being and ride itself off the middle of the freaking road (Spoiler :It didn’t. Probably). I would’ve picked it up, really, but I was busy controlling my dog, so I couldn’t. Otherwise I would’ve totally done it. Yup.

But really, who does that? Who screams and throws things around in the middle of the road and leaves them there for hours? What is wrong with people?

Either her cycle got stolen later, or she finally got over whatever she was high on, because it wasn’t there after a couple of hours. I hope it got stolen though.

Now that I read this, I am thinking of never doing a “special” post again, I fail massively at it.

The time my train got blown up…almost

I think I’ve had my fair share of near death experiences for a while. I’ve written about one before, and a few days ago I was reminded of another one that I thought would be fun to force upon the internet.
This one had quite a few other people involved in it as well, a whole train full of them. It could’ve been a great place to meet people going through similar problems, but for some reason everyone there was really cranky. Could’ve been the heat, it was Mumbai after all. Maybe it was the fact that there was a bomb on the train? Or perhaps people were just in a bad mood because the vacations were almost over. Either way, people were not friendly.

A simple hello would’ve sufficed

So my family was just on its way home from Gujrat where we had gone for a trip and almost got killed by five wild lionesses on the loose ten metres from us, and we were tired and wanted to relax. The fates had something else in store for us.
The train from Mumbai was I think newish. It was painted a horrendous yellow and green color that screamed
“I WANT TO BLIND PEOPLE” whenever you saw it. Maybe it didn’t literally scream it, but you get my point right?

This is the best train I can manage…DON’T JUDGE ME!!!

Yeah so we got to our berths and I was already on the upper one, with my earphones on and ready to forget about the difficulties in life that a 15 year old faces on a daily basis. I usually start the music after the train starts, because then I have another excuse for ignoring people who talk to me. Trains are loud creatures and I use that weakness shamelessly. But the train refused to start. 5 minutes went by and then 10 and then 15 and I was getting really pissed because my mp3 player was running out of life. So I finally descended to the level of mortal beings and then waited with my family for what felt like eternity till the ticket guy told us that it was going to take even more time. And the people in the compartment next to us started whispering about bombs. That whispering continued for a while and soon enough, it was confirmed. There was a bomb threat. 

Now, 26/11 had happened only a year ago or so, and it was still pretty fresh in everyone’s head. So I don’t completely blame people for panicking, but it was funny nevertheless. To me. Other people weren’t amused in the least.
No one was allowed to get on the train, or get off it. There were police people on the platform looking extremely serious. Even I was starting to worry a bit. I had a dog at home. Who was going to take care of him? Who was going to force feed him food that other dogs kill for just because he wasn’t in the mood for it? Who was going to give him belly rub every five minutes? Who was he going to yell at when he got bored? It was a bit too much for my mind to handle, so I decided a nap would help.

I mean really, insensitive much?

We could here sniffer dogs barking in the distance. At that moment, my father went all
“Screw it, I’m going to sleep.” and he did.
That earned us some pretty shocked looks from the other passengers. And to make things better, my sister decided it would be cool to excitedly talk about the bombs and what it would be like if they found the bomb…, so that the passengers who were previously unaware of their impending death were now painfully made aware of that. That earned her a scolding from some random police guy nearby who declared that my sister singlehandedly was the reason that people all over the world panic. I couldn’t agree more, though in her defense, if the ticket collector hadn’t been talking about it in the first place, she wouldn’t have known at all.

Then as if all of that wasn’t enough, sniffer dogs entered the bogey and started, well, sniffing around. They were cute though, so I forgave them. After they’d left, some guys in the booth next to ours discovered a bag. An unclaimed bag with no owner and no tag. To top it off, it had been kept stashed in the corner, pretty much out of sight. Panic rose, the police came back and the owner of the bag had all his clothes thoroughly handled by a lot of people. This is actually why I don’t like bright colored undergarments. In cases like this one, it makes you look silly. You can’t go wrong with black and white. Yes this is a fashion blog now.

coming up next…should you wear pajamas all day long???

Unfortunately, the only interesting thing in that guy’s bag were his inners, so his stuff was stuffed back into the bag unceremoniously and  ignored.

After maybe 2-3 hours, it was declared that there was no bomb, and people were allowed to board or leave the train again. The owner of the mysterious colorful small clothes bag was given a lot of flak for leaving the train to get a cup of tea. I think he deserved it.

And some time after the train had left the station, my father woke up, groggily told us that he knew there was no bomb there all along, and went back to sleep. I was also pretty unaffected though, to be honest so I can’t make fun of him as much as I want to. And even though people had spent an entire night on the train, the next day they were in a horrible rush to get out as if the bomb was going to explode right after we hit the platform again. That’s not how it works. That’s not how any of this works.

But it was a pretty fun story to tell people at school. I might have bragged about it a bit. About almost getting blown up along with hundreds of other innocent people for really no reason. Not quite sure why I thought it was brag worthy…oh well, I was 15. Since my classmates were also 15, they didn’t believe me. Until they saw the news that day… yup. My train made headlines. I am a legit celebrity now.

So now if I ever see a movie about exploding trains, I can legitimately say that I have survived an almost bombed train. I still don’t know why I feel like this is something I should boast of. But I do. So this stays. Though it is uncomfortable having to wait for hours at a station because a group of people decided it would be fun to kill random strangers. Seriously, terrorism sucks.

Anyone else been in any exploding trains or buses or helicopters?

Finger Moving Practice

I have already posted about submissions, and so it would be silly to talk about that again. That’s depressing because that’s the only thing on my mind right now. Where is the partying college filled with drunk kids and idiots and cool teachers that I was promised? What is this land of sadness and discipline? Am I back in school? If my studies continue like this, I probably won’t ever be able to go back to school. But enough of my doom and gloom. I don’t come to WordPress to bitch about my life. Honest.

It’s kinda weird, it’s been over two months that I started this thing. It seems a lot longer than that. In a good way. And I missed the second anniversary as well. I don’t even know what I am typing.

So has anyone ever had this strange chain where you start doing something and then that thing leads to another thing and then to another one and you realize that you really love doing that one thing that you did not start? That happened to me because of this blog. I finally realized that I enjoy just sitting on my ass far too much. It was a sudden realization, and it feels like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders now.

It’s not like I want to sit in one corner all day long with a computer and an internet connection even though that would be awesome, but if I have a choice between this and something else, I would probably pick this.

I have also started to try my hand at drawing little MS Paint images, because the internet has failed me and refuses to come up with exactly the right images I want for my blog with exactly the correct sizes and colors*. What is wrong with this place? So I figured I’d just make my own, no matter how horrendously wrong it goes. No there are no images in this post because I barely have time to be writing!!! Or breathing!!! Or bathing!!! I’m not complaining though. I don’t complain. Honest.

Bean bags… awkward huh? It takes ages to get up from them, and it takes ages to get settled into one. Then there’s that moment where you are super comfortable and you just have to pick up something from somewhere and you move a fraction of an inch and then the bag tries to throw you off into the wide mysteries of the universe. I’m not sure I like them.

I think this much nonsense is enough for a day. Just to get my fingers moving on something other than a pen and paper. Sorry about this.

Halloween? No? Too late for that? Dammit!

I didn’t know what I was writing. So I wrote this.

l l l l l l l l l l l l l I I I I I I I l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l I I I I I I I I I I l l l l l l l l l l I l l l l l I I I I I I I I I

That line up there has I’s and L’s. I don’t remember which ones are which and I don’t remember why I spent all this time typing that out. I don’t like not remembering that. But since so much work has been put into it, I will let it stay there on the top of the page because I am a generous person.

It’s pretty annoying when you have this brilliant idea for a post that has you laughing in the middle of you class, only for it to teleport* to another freaking dimension when you sit down to type it out. If I could just go to that dimension for a while I would be so happy. But I can’t. I blame the internet.

People say that you should have a small notebook around you at all times so that you can just write down stuff that you think up. I would probably end up losing that notebook around my half-literate classmates and that would annoy them since they’d have to read stuff to know who that notebook belongs to. Reading is like, so eighteenth century.

Then there’s the whole remembering by using a “mind palace” (yes I watch too much Sherlock), that doesn’t work because that place is bursting with other stuff that is completely useless and I still cannot bring myself to throw it out. Also, I have had my own “mind palace” ever since I was nine, and I have proof of it written down in one of my “books” somewhere, so I can say with complete confidence that I did not simply pick that idea from anyone. Even though it’s not really a bad idea to pick.

I can send myself email reminders, but I don’t because those emails tend to get lost in my inbox somewhere and I am literally too lazy to search for one lost email. I have done this before, and it didn’t work. I could have a complete novel lying under that pile of email and one day I will get pissed at seeing all those unopened mail and delete it all in a fit of rage.

POOF** goes the novel.

I could record my thoughts in memos and such, but I again fail miserably at checking those. And voice memos are out of the question because I usually end up having a massive ear bleed followed by two days of random cringe attacks when I listen to any recording of my voice. It doesn’t sound bad, and then I record it and then it’s like

“AKJSFH SOMEONE SAVE THAT KID SHE’S CHOKING ON A DAMNED HELIUM BALLOON!!!!!”

I don’t think I want to go through that again, and making a video is just too much work. Also, I’ll just look silly.

So maybe I’m stuck to typing out stuff at the spur of the moment, randomly pressing keys on my keyboard and destroying a brilliant piece of art that was sure to go viral and then forget what it was and end up typing out a row of I‘s and L‘s for no reason other than my stubborn refusal to admit that I am never going to remember the post or even what it was about and cursing myself for not saving that draft after every two words. And then typing out a criminally long sentence the likes of which has no right to even exist. I guess I am okay with it though. It could be better, but then again, so could this post.
This serves no purpose other than to remind myself to be better organized and I know without a doubt that it is going to end up the same way as all my motivational post-its, POOF**.

*OH MY GOD WORDPRESS GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!!! I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT YOU DON’T LIKE ONWARDS BUT TELEPORT IS AN EVERYDAY WORD!!! WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU!?!

**Haha… POOF. It’s a funny word, but surprisingly useful. I’ve been wanting to use it ever since I made this blog thing..

Happy Diwali! And I hope you don’t die.

So in some places, people are putting on scary decorations and cobwebs and frightening (supposedly) costumes and asking other people for candy and stuff…isn’t that what you do? I dunno. I’ve only seen that stuff in movies and once in real life when I saw a slightly drunken Jack Sparrow with drunken girl pirates that looked a lot like girl pirates from One Piece. Anyway, I don’t celebrate Halloween because India doesn’t get Halloween.

Give away stuff with nothing in return?

Let strangers knock on your door without glaring them to death?

Wasting time in having fun when you could be studying medicine/engineering/architecture and moving out of the country?

It would be a nightmare for most people I’m sure. But we do celebrate a very important festival this month, and that’s Diwali.

Now there’s not a lot of festivals in India that don’t involve grown ups yelling at children to stay quiet and in a corner, there’s just Holi and Diwali that I can think of and that kite flying holiday, so I am very fond of this time of the year.

Yes I need to clean my room table, but that’s a small price to pay. I get so much food everywhere I go and everyone’s in a mostly good mood and everything’s bright and cheerful and I get soo much money.

It’s awesome. And as a kid, another exciting thing was the whole firecracker tradition. I never liked loud ones, but the fuljhadis and anars and chakras were really cool. It was one of the few times that I didn’t absolutely hate everyone outside of my family. For a few hours. The rockets are wonderful as well, but they’ve never worked for me, so we have a love hate relationship. I love them. They laugh at me as they fizzle out and fall down after halfheartedly going up a few feet. That might have something to do with me being a giant wimp and barely touching the wick with the agarbatti (does anybody use anything else to light these types of crackers?)

Obviously, I can no longer enjoy these simple pleasures. The past few years, every-time we had more than 3 days off, we used to go to some forest and live like hermits, away from cell phone and internet coverage, and away from the poisonous fumes of the crackers. Last year however, we were able to stay home for the festival, and we were very excited to finally be able to play with fire again after so long. So when we decided to crush our consciences and go firecracker shopping, light shopping, other stuff shopping and things people do before festivals. I found a few strange things

1. We didn’t know what crackers to buy. Indian firecracker (henceforth referred to as FC) companies have no knowledge of copyright or useless stuff like that, or photoshop for that matter. I saw several pictures of Emily Vancamp, Shakira, Angelina Jolie, Matt Damon and surprisingly enough, Betty White on boxes of FCs. Many of them had the © mark right there in front of the box, sitting there without a care in the world.

2. If a box says there’s going to be one type of FC in it, it doesn’t necessarily have that FC in it. I don’t understand this marketing strategy, but I guess they know better than to go for building trust and confidence in their customers.

3. Safety is never an issue. Because it doesn’t exist. One shop we went to (by shop I mean a shack hastily built up to last through the Diwali week) had nice, fiery lamps burning away happily next to a somber looking stack of uncovered FCs. Nobody saw any problem with that.

4. Customer is always wrong. This actually happened this year, today. My mom went out to buy a string of lights because our last year’s works perfectly fine and all of us are horrible at handling money. When she specifically asked for a plain string without flashy colors, the guy told her she didn’t understand and that it was Diwali and it would look stupid if she had a plain lighting arrangement. When my mom insisted on the plain lights, he gave her a look that plainly said he didn’t think she was too bright and told the shop boy to pick the multi-colored ones after showing mom how pressing a button makes them go all shiny and colorful, slowly.

5. So apparently, electrical connectors are classified as male and female. Quite ingenious actually, but imagine my surprise when I asked for a connector with ‘holes’ (because I had no idea what to call them) and she yelled at the shop boy to give me a female.

“I’m getting a girl? What?” I didn’t get a girl. Thankfully.

In general, people were very upset with my entire family because we were some of the most unenthusiastic, non–jumpy, single colored family apparently, to ever exist. I’m pretty sure I heard an old woman telling some other old woman about the youth of today and how we have no respect for traditions. Thanks old woman. I didn’t hear that at all.

But unfortunately, I realized that we can no longer enjoy polluting the environment with more smoke and dust and explosive powder. Because after I grew up, I developed something known as a HAC or Horribly Annoying Conscience and that HAC does not let me enjoy polluting stuff. At all. I feel guilty when people around me go around bursting FCs. And since I was never a fan of loud sounds (unless those sounds are coming from my headphones), I don’t think I’m missing out. The other and more effective reason is my dog.

See, if we’d just told people that we actually give a fuck about the environment, we would be laughed at, dragged to the center of the FC bursting group and forced to light the most polluting, loudest FC they could get their hands on to punish us for uttering such blasphemous words. Do we not know that bursting FC’s during Diwali has been going on since time immemorial (not true since FCs are a Chinese invention) and that by not increasing the possibility of burning the entire area to the ground, we are dishonoring our traditions? We wouldn’t have had much of a choice in that.

But now that we have a dog, we can in fact go around telling people to stop. It’s a genuine reason and that reason is that FCs hurt my ears like hell and everyone seems unanimous on the point that my senses have dulled to the point of non-existence due to the internet (it’s always the internet). If my dull ears hurt, my dog’s ears must be figuratively exploding. It’s horrible to watch him cuddle up against mom and force us all into one room so that he can keep an eye on all of us at once.

So I no longer use FCs and neither can people around me, and five years down the line when everyone’s gasping for oxygen and dying, the air around my house will still be pure and breathable.

And I hope that the air around your house or wherever you live will also be breathable. Firecrackers aren’t funny to dogs and cats, many of which die during Diwali because of the noise and smoke. Birds also have heart attacks and die. In general, a beautiful festival ends up with having to sweep the bodies of many creatures off the roads to make way for the next night’s victims.

Happy Diwali!!

And a smoke free one. 🙂

The post I forgot to think of a title for

So I haven’t posted in a while. I have been around, commenting and liking posts and stalking people but all of that has been done in the privacy of my bathroom because I wasn’t allowed to go ten feet near my phone for the past week, in front of people. It was like, I look at my poor lonely looking phone and everyone goes NO!!!!!

and then comes and takes my phone away. Nobody understood that I was just going to complete the daily missions in the hundred or so games that I play everyday to distract myself from the sad empty void that is my message box. Anyway, now I have to complete a week’s worth of challenges to get to the mystery box/chest/ball level now. Yup. The struggle is real.

And why did my usually (not) understanding family turn so evil? Because something even eviler had possessed them…eviler is a word! Would’ve thunk?  

EXAMS

So yes, I had my exams, and now I don’t. So I can get back to posting randomly while completely ignoring all the rules I’d set for myself when I started this thing. Yay.

Anyway, I have a bit of free time now with diwali and elections and mass bunks coming up, so I thought I’d go and replay a few old video games, or maybe reread a book, or get new songs, or anything that doesn’t involve

i) Cleaning my table, since I don’t have a room since my sister’s a jerk

ii) Bathing my dog because let’s face it, everyone likes dog smell

iii) Going to visit relatives because I am not interested in knowing that I have gained weight, gotten ill mannered because I said “HI” instead of “NAMASTE”

etc. Guess how well that worked out? Yup.

I am now supposed to be cleaning my room and have just dried my dog off, and I have to rush because my grandparents are expecting us this evening.

FML.

Rant over. For now.

So I went to dinner with my family yesterday, sans my phone, because it was my sister’s boyfriend’s birthday party because I gave him a great gift. But that made me realize that people act funny/bad/dumb outside.

i) There were two kids no more than 9 years old seriously discussing the pros and cons of “love” and “arranged” marriage. Their parents didn’t think it was strange and were very supportive of the “arranged” marriage supporter.

ii) There was a couple with their young kid sitting beside us. The kid wasn’t eating anything because he was too bust playing Temple Run. I did not want to wrench that phone away from him and take it for myself, really, because his parents were too busy feeling each other up publicly and I felt bad for him.

iii) There was a woman who was burping extremely loudly, drawing glares from the entire restaurant… the she decided to rest her feet on the table and had to be escorted outside.

 

iv) My father got bored after a while and wanted to take a stroll in the restaurant, much to my sister’s embarrassment. Thankfully, I was able to make him stay by demanding a pocket money rise if he did so. That will make him do anything.

v) It was my turn to be embarrassed afterwards because my sister and Mr.Boyfriend wanted romantic pictures outside the place. Very cute…but my father didn’t understand why he shouldn’t be in the photo, my mother was too busy laughing at that and I had to explain. Not cool. 

So yeah, it was pretty normal actually, but I am too tired to think of anything right now. I will get back to posting erratically soon enough.

P.S. It’s my blog’s one month anniversary!!! WOO!!!

The many wonders of being the youngest in your family

This is not a rant. It’s a list of the pros and cons of being the youngest person in your family. Like I am. And I’m not the youngest in my little nuclear family thingy, I’m the youngest in my entire clan. Except for my niece who’s 2. But she doesn’t count because I’ve seen her twice and she’s a brat anyway. Onwards!!

(WordPress is telling me that “ONWARDS” is a wrong word and that is pissing me off. It’s one of the best words out there. Get your shit together WordPress!)

Okay, so, being a naturally positive person (a ray of sunshine, I tell you), I will start with the pros. NOT because this is going to be shorter than the cons and I want to get it over with. Okay then,

1) You get away with  a lot of things because for some reason people think you’re cute.

Kinda obvious, but doesn’t always work so I’m just putting it out there first and moving on.

2) You get a lot of stuff without asking.

It’s usually second hand, but we have an entire cons list to get to for that.

3) You get the undivided attention of your family because there is no squealing little bundle of poop joy there to take the attention away.

Not sure if it’s a pro, it wasn’t one for me, but I guess some people might like it.

4) Most of the weird stuff, your elders have probably prepared your parents for it.

It worked for me. Now I can sit in my living room and watch Game Of Thrones uncensored on my T.V. without anyone saying anything. Except for my dad coming in randomly and yelling that I was watching porn that one day….But we’ve sorted that out. 🙂

5) You get a bit more of the whole

“Aww!! Look at that little thing!! How can it ever do anything wrong?”

aura around you so you get away with blaming some things that you did on other people (I’m not talking about stuff you did on other people, but I don’t see a way to rephrase that sentence right now so it stays.).

My mom had a beautiful (apparently) center piece. Had. For nearly a day. It still exists, in a thousand pieces somewhere. My dog broke it. Seriously. Ask anyone. Except for my dog. He has a bad habit of lying about some things….anyway…

Enough talking about good things now…

CONS!!! I am more excited than I should be.

1) You can’t get away with a lot of stuff because your siblings know what shit you’re pulling on them. And are more than happy to rat you out. Assholes.

“No I didn’t skip school to hang out with friends. And that’s not beer breath!”

“I was asleep at 11 last night. My whatsapp’s glitchy about the last seen”

“Um… The internet history’s glitchy so it deletes itself every couple of days?? No? Wanna hear about a new website maybe?”

So stuff doesn’t work.

2) Most of your things are hand me downs that you didn’t really want in the first place.

My sister (Who, it looks like, will be featured a lot in this place), got a new phone. Good for her!! She didn’t like it, so she got a new one. I wanted a new one. Guess what, I got my sister’s old phone. It’s a good phone, but I don’t like it. Every time I complain about it, I get yelled at because apparently, getting a new phone for me will be a waste of money. I could chew through a concrete wall. 

Also, I got my sister’s old car. It’s in really good condition coz she loves that stupid thing to death, but she’s getting a bigger one. Who cares if I con’t drive for shit’s sake? My life sucks.

3) You get the undivided attention of everybody.

“So where are you going now?”

I kinda need to poop..

“Watchu doin’?”

What do people do in bathrooms?

“Who were you talking to?”

Why would I even open my mouth in there????

WHYYY!!!!!!

Ahem..

4) Your siblings are usually freaked out by things you do.

My sister actually thinks Cyanide and Happiness is weird. I KNOW!! 

Yes, it is rather difficult for people with a negative sense of humor to get, but it’s a lot less weird than say, REAL LIFE?? Ugh, Tweens! AMIRITE?

I cannot believe I typed that word.

5) You get a lot of

“AWW!! Look at that tiny thing! How can it possibly do anything? Let me help.”

I don’t need to be dropped to college.

I don’t need you telling me who texted me and what the text says.

I don’t need you calling up my school and classes and asking them if I’m doing well.

Seriously, I don’t know if everyone goes through this or whatever, but it’s freaking annoying!

Unless I don’t want to call my college.

Or unless I don’t want to drive to college.

Or unless I’m to bored to read my texts

… Maybe I might have something to do with this.. I’ll have to think about it.

And by think about it I mean type this out and wait till the thought disappears from my mind and I never think about it ever. 🙂

But yeah, really short list over. I can think about other points to add to this thing, but I just realized I have Maths and Graphics homework to do. If anyone tells anyone else that you get a lot of free time in engineering colleges, I will personally rip that person’s heart out and feed it to the other person. Whether they like it or not. Because I’m cool like that.

Freezing, aren’t I?

But if anyone doesn’t get what the hell I’m blabbering about, ask me.

If you guys think I’m missing an important point, tell me.

If you think I’m overreacting, fuck off.

Pre Post Post

So this is not a post. This is a post,  but not the type that I’m hoping to be posting. This is a post about the types of posts I’ll be posting here.

Now that that’s cleared up,

Hello again! I say again because I’m assuming you’ve read the introduction I’ve worked so hard on. Ahem.. moving on.

I know this is called “humorworks”. I named it. But the doesn’t mean that every post here will be funny to you. Or at all. It’s a bit disappointing. I know. It will be at least mildly entertaining, if you like watching people stumble and fall over themselves, it might be very entertaining.

I tend to jump around with anything I do. If one post is about a cat video, the other night be about the political state of my country. There’s no set pattern, sorry. I will however at least try to be regular. On my last blog, I was very regular. So I know how to do that.

Once I get the hang of WordPress and get around to posting pictures and stuff along with text though, I assure you that the posts will be longer. That’s about all that I’m sure of right now.

If you think you can read more than one post like this, then hop aboard. If you don’t,  well, you need to lighten up.