Fun titles are misleading anyway

Hospital aren’t fun. This isn’t a particularly ground-breaking thing that I’ve just discovered, but I thought I’ll just say it anyway. Damned things suck, actually. Specially when they take four freaking syringes of blood from your body without warning you at all. Specially when there’s a world cup match going on outside and you’re a bit distracted by it.

Life also sucks big time. Being alive is nice I guess, but being busy isn’t. Specially when that means that you won’t be able to read your manga or play your video games or watch movies or go around the internet and get thoroughly grossed out by pictures that you definitely did not search for, but popped up in the search results anyway.

It also sucks when you cannot update your blog.

I don’t get why people hype up college so much because college is also majorly sucky. Specially when you have 12 exams in 10 months and assignments and journals and stuff to think of all at once. I swear it would be easier to memorize all the characters names in game of thrones and drawing out their family trees than do this.

Cysts are somewhere near the top of my “you suck” list right now because they make you get operations and miss exams. They don’t even give you superpowers like in comics. But mostly because they might mean that I’ll have to talk to relatives once the doctor’s done stitching my stomach back up. Talking on the phone is a big no-no for people like me.

Complaining is fun though. A lot of fun. Specially when it’s my second post in a month after I disappeared off the face of the internet. Good times.

Back from a break rant

It’s been a month since I’ve done anything remotely WordPress-y. I would blame it on my lack of time-management skills, but a part of me strongly disagrees. That part of me also tells me that two hours of studying done four weeks before the exam is more than enough preparation for everything. I love that part. 

This time, people cannot not agree with it too. Take that, people!

Anyway, so for the past five days, I have been itching to get my hands on a proper keyboard. Were my exams going on you ask? Why yes they obviously were.

Did I attend them? Not so much.

I have spent the past almost-week lying on a hospital bed in a hospital room without a fridge. What sort of room doesn’t have a fridge? Idiots. The reason as to why I was lying down and actually complaining about not walking around and talking to people was that a large part of my stomach had been mercilessly ripped open and stuff had been removed from in there and then it had been stapled shut. Not stitched, not stuck, actual staples. I’m all for having minimum scars and less pain, but would it kill them to use different colored staples so that people would not be tempted to pluck ’em off with a stapler of their own?

Would it also kill them to give patients a little bit more anesthesia so that the night after getting a coconut-sized cyst removed from your stomach won’t have to be spent clutching at hair and shaking the rails of the hospital bed? My scalp still hurts. And I’m pretty sure I made myself a bald spot. Or that could be because I haven’t really showered since the operation. Whatever. It’s the doctor’s fault. Totally.

So operations aren’t akin to picnics, as I recently learnt. I’d gone to the hospital fully equipped with my laptop, an extra mouse and keyboard and my “wouldn’t-mind-if-I-broke-them” headphones and I used them for maybe two hours. Bummer.

Before that, I had to complete this month’s work and last month’s work and the next month’s work for my college to allow me to remove something potentially dangerous that was displacing more than a few of my major organs. Then I get yelled at for my work looking “rushed”. I love humanity. 

So, busy month and not a particularly nice one doesn’t allow me to get onto the few websites where I actually do something other than stalk people obsessively and talk about them to people who have no clue what I’m going on about. Sorry mom.

Hopefully I’ll be better equipped to talk about something other than stomach problems and blood and college next time. It also looks like wordpress has changed it’s layout a bit again. Perfect

FML seems like a good note to end this on, but knowing my recent luck, I’m sure it would just be taken as a challenge.FML.

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Types of people in queues

Being a human being that has been around other human beings, I have been a part of an activity in which a number of humans stand one after another waiting for something to happen or something to buy or something to eat, theoretically in a civilized manner. In those low moments in my life I decided I could use the time to figure out the few set types of people that inhabit such lines on a regular basis so that the next time I encounter such a person in such a situation I will not be startled and hence will be and be to control my murderous thoughts in a proper manner.
Being a generous person I have decided to share my new found knowledge with the people of the Internet.
Ahem.
         TYPES OF PEOPLE IN QUEUES
1. The cut-the-rope player.

Except that person is now playing with full grown humans who will not cheer and clap for them. Poor souls get their entire clan cursed by this one simple looking crime. Deservedly.

2. The player wannabe

These people try to cut in but are repeatedly thwarted by the superior intellects of the people who have waited for maybe hours to get to where they are and will not let some punk just get between them and their end goal. These also get cursed, but do not get the perks so it’s a sad life for them.

3. The people’s rights activists

These people will raise their voices whenever anyone attempts a 1 or 2. When anyone steps on someone else’s foot. Whenever the person working the line seems too slow. Whenever they realize that the surroundings are too hot for survival. When they realize that there’s a tiny hole in the ground a little way off the line. Whenever they’re bored. They sometimes look like all they want to do is fight, but they do provide entertainment so points for that.

4. The one in outer space

This one shouldn’t be allowed out of the house without supervision. They completely zone out and then forget to walk forward when the rest of the line does, making the people behind them very, very mad. I feel sorry for them, but they encourage the 1’s and so they lose points.

5. The klutz

The solution for 4! I like these people unless they’re standing near me. They stumble over their own feet and fall onto the poor stranger standing in the front of them, and it’s not like the movies at all, because no one standing in a quest is in a good enough mood for romance and they get yelled at. Haha.

6. The ostrich

The one who will yell the most at the klutz because “OMG can’t you look where you’re going?” While they’re glued to their phone screen. They will shuffle forward mindlessly when they feel the people in front of them move but they probably don’t do it purposefully. The people in front of them are just good at blocking the sun’s glare from falling on the screen.

7. The chatterbox

This one will not stop talking. Maybe they’re talking to the person beside you. Maybe they’re talking to you. Maybe they’re talking to themselves. Either way, they talk a lot. It is annoying sometimes, specially when they stick to you and then bum a ride home and stuff,  but at times they’re a nice relief from just standing in a queue while twiddling your thumbs and hoping that the people I the front will just change their minds and leave.

8. The undecided

They don’t know if they want to be in the queue or not. They’ll leave. Then come back. Loom around them with the confused air of a dog who’s just been taught chemistry. Then they’ll leave again. Then they’ll stand beside the line, hand on chin, thinking deeply about the implications of joining the line before they decide to 
                  “Meh. Fuck it.”
And leave.  But not without the blessings of all the people behind them. The world needs more people like them.

9. The personal space invader

There’s an unwritten rule that two people standing behind each other in a queue ought to not touch. No I don’t want to feel your breath on my back thank you and back off. They will step on the backs of your foot. They will bump into you. They will burn in the fiery pits of hell. Enough said.

10. The holder-upper

I don’t like these people. They reach the end of the line and instead of being gleefully generous and buzzing off like the little pests these people are, they will stay. Even though they’ve been staring at the board in front of them for an hour, they still don’t know what they want to eat. Even though they’ve read what the prices for the tickets are before they joined the queue, they still want to argue with the poor guy who does not control ticket prices. Even though there are brochures available right there on the counter, they will not pick one up and instead pester the counter keeper with inane questions. Even though people behind them are yelling their heads off, they will simply shoot a glare behind them and continue to make the lives of everyone on the civility miserable because they were too stupid to make up their minds  when they were supposed to. These people are right behind the personal space invaders in the queue to boiling lava in my mind.

*some funny vague title*

Having exams is always a joy, since you realize that there’s so much in your life that you want to be doing other than sitting in a corner and studying for something uninteresting. But then the things you want to do end up being sitting in a corner playing games or reading stuff and you wonder if it’s really that different anyway.

It is. That was a rhetorical question.

But my exams are finally over (almost) and I am free (nearly) and everything is good with the world again (except for that what’s actually wrong). So I figured I could come online again without the guilt ripping me apart from limb to limb. Or the fear of my family finding out that I’ve been online when I should’ve been studying. I like the first one. Makes me sound all responsible and mature-like which is cool.

Anyway, I have already spoken about this before on this blog-thing, but walking with a dog isn’t really a lot of fun if you’re not all alone in a very large, flat area that you can see without having to jump up and down. And I mean alone. Because people do not like dogs. At all. And that’s okay. People always have species they don’t like, I mean, I would hate it if someone judged me on my hatred of some species that I hate but I don’t really hate any particular species. I am Snow White.

Close enough

But anyway, DOGS.

When I’m walking with that big black furry thing that poops and is called a dog, the last thing on my mind is making him attack people around me. Because I do not have the time to think about them because I am far too focused on not tripping over my own feet as he pulls me around trying to make me run and catch up to my sister. That’s one thing that is never happening. It’ll ruin my reputation of being a lazy-ass person. I like my reputation.

Then there’s the thing of not letting him “do” anything on the road and dragging him a few miles away to do his business so that it doesn’t get mixed in the stuff that stray dogs leave there.

Fun Fact : Stray dog poop does not smell and it is perfectly reasonable to feed them scraps and it is also perfectly reasonable to scrunch up your stupid nose while my dog walks by even though he’s had a bath only day before yesterday. Fucking people.

But anyway, with trying not to fall, trying to not let him pee in the middle of the road and trying to not let him bump into the hundred people that for some reason congregate in the middle of the freaking road while I walk by, I need to entertain myself. And I entertain myself by saying stupid shit because that’s the kind of person I am and I am mentally 5. Or maybe 6. I just had a birthday after all.

The place we walk Mikey sometimes has peacocks roaming around. It’s nice even though I am sure someone’s going to get attacked by a peacock for being stupid. I hope someone gets attacked by a peacock for being stupid. Peacocks are vicious creatures and they cannot be trusted.

This is totally what a peacock looks like

So anyway, I was mumbling to myself that if we (“WE” being the dog and myself since the rest of my family had abandoned me by then) saw a peacock, Mikey was free to attack it. I figured it was a harmless comment because

1. I was talking to myself. You do not take people who talk to themselves seriously. And don’t give me that “You were talking to your dog” BS. He doesn’t listen to a word I say.

2. Mikey doesn’t understand the word “attack” he understands “food”, “chew-stick”, “ball” and “stick” that’s about it. And while it would be too much to expect that random strangers would know this bit of unnecessary information, you can mostly tell by a dog’s face if he’s the attacking type. Mikey’s the cuddling type. He’s a lapdog/goat stuck in a big dog’s body.

3. Mikey has seen the peacocks before. I did try to get him excited like ” Look at that! What is that? Isn’t that exciting?!“He did not think it was exciting. He thought it was stupid that I was standing there trying to get him to look at something stupid instead of going home and sleeping.

My dog the big hunter.

But all of that must’ve been too much thinking for the people walking beside me because they glared at me and muttered stuff under their breath as I passed them. Nice people. Very friendly.

But yay for almost end of exams!!!! It’s almost nice, except that it’s not. .

Things old people get to do

I am nineteen years old now. That’s not really old, but I’m on my way there. I guess I ought to start doing old people stuff already like

1. Complain about this generation while being stuck to my electronic gadgets.
I do that already. I’m pretty good at it too.

2. Get a walking cane.
This, I actually want. I see no downsides to this apart from the fact that I won’t be able to take it with me on a roller coaster and poke people’s heads with it. But I shouldn’t be on a roller coaster at my age anyway.

3. Get my “smart-ass” comments all written down so that I have them at my disposal whenever I need them.
I am not going to be a cheerful, friendly old person in case you haven’t realized yet. I am going to be the cranky, stick waving, mumbling old person little kids are scared of. That’s my new dream.

4.  Become socially inappropriate.
Forget farting and belching in public. I am talking about the big guns like being able to make racially prejudiced comments and get away with them.
Americans are fat. Brazilians are hot (is that offensive?). Indians are cab drivers. Spanish people ride bulls all day long.
There. I said it. Back in my day, these were called facts.

5. Walk slowly in front of people and scowl at them when they get annoyed.
Can’t you see I’m a poor old lady who can’t go any faster without having a heart attack?  Young people these days have no respect.

6. Talk loudly.
My voice alternates between being “barely heard” to “ear splitting loud”. It’s a pain, but I think old me would be able to pull it off brilliantly.

6. Drive horribly.
I always do that anyway. It’s a gift.

7. Forget things a few seconds after I heard them.
Sure I’ll clean my cupboard.
Wait, when did I say that?

8. Forget that my abilities are limited and trying to do things well beyond my capacity.
Like making a ten point list. I’m not good at those. FML

But yeah. That’s my list. I already do a few of these things anyway, so I guess I was born to be old.
Also, WordPress changed the mobile app design. Why? If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Why should I have to get used to changes? It’s so unfair.
I’m just gonna go get my knitting needles now.

Kerala Trip PART 1…

So I made a post in the new year and then decided (mentally, since writing that down would’ve been too much of a commitment) to be more regular and not disappear off the face of WordPress for more than a few days at a time and then left for a week. Yay me.
Most times when I have done that, my reason has always been the same. Exams. It’s a pretty difficult to ignore reason, even though I try my best. Not this time though.
I am out on a family trip with, surprisingly, my family. Shocker, I know.
We’ve come to Kerala because college us for losers and who needs to submit assignments on time anyway?
It’s a pretty state, and even though the bright blue and orange and pink and purple and red and yellow coloured houses did surprise me at first, they definitely make this place very visually  interesting to be in. My eyeballs are a bit tired from flitting between colours every two seconds though. Ah, South India.
It is also a very hot place to be in. Back home I was wearing a sweater all day long, and now it’s difficult to leave the room for fear of melting into a puddle of cloth and flesh on the floor. Nobody is going to want to clean that up.
It’s a strange state. I haven’t been here long so I cannot say if this is the norm in this place, but in many places, the sate does not have defined shopping and residential places. I saw a Mercedes showroom flanked by a beautiful blue and orange house on one side and a big pit on the other. The bug pit had a house in it and no visible way of getting out. The people inside are probably long dead. RIP.
It’s a nice place, though. They’ve been very considerate in the capital and have kept the zoo, the art gallery and the museum in one enclosure so that people don’t have to roam around the city. They have also not kept a single place in said enclosure that sells water so that the people will be supremely confused as  whether to swear at the state or to praise it.
But what caught my eye the most was the trees. There’s a lot of trees here. And they’re 98% coconut trees. My brother would probably think he’s in orange heaven. It gets a little annoying when you look around and see only coconut trees around you with maybe a rubber one here and there that looks like it’s been kept there just to break the monotony.
But yeah. That’s my excuse for not being around. If you could call that an excuse. Or if to could call that being not around. It’s barely been a week.
And if there’s any mistakes in this post here, they were all intentional and ironic. Also, you try typing on a sucky phone using sucky cell phone internet with a horribly dead brain and not making mistakes. 
No, seriously, try it. It makes you appreciate your semi-functioning brain more than ever. 
I miss my computer.

2015 and the apocalypse is nearing

It’s 2015 already!!! One year closer to the apocalypse! Another new year of people vowing to do stuff they will give up on after two weeks! I really wanted to do a post yesterday, I mean, it seemed like everyone was making this “My Resolutions” post and I felt left out. Because I had no resolutions. I don’t want to change a thing! I should, but I don’t want to. To be honest, I’ve done most things I’ve really wanted to last year. I got a bit better at spelling, which is a huge deal since I used to mess up even “BUSINESS’ It should totally be spelled “BUISNESS”. It’s not pronounced “busy-ness” is it?

I also “went out” a bit, and realized I hate it. Not the people, the other people. Crowds just aren’t my thing I guess. Pity, since I live in the second most populous country in one of it’s big cities in one of it’s most densely populated areas. FML.

I also wake up early. Not because I want to or health reasons, but because I have a class and a sadistic teacher who suffers from insomnia and a severe case of being a psycho. He’s a good teacher though. So I guess that’s okay.

That’s all the changes I guess and two of them not voluntary. Yay!

Ahem. I just wanted a new year’s post. I regret nothing about this one. Yet.

Also, HAPPY NEW YEAR!! Or, as people have texted me, HNY!!! The level of affection in those 3 alphabets that have so obviously not been mass forwarded to everyone is too damn high!

2014 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 3,200 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 53 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

5 Things that will not help your anger issues

As a person who has a few (very few) issues with anger-management, I am always on the lookout for ways to make the people on the other side either go away or listen to me. Over the years, I have developed a few ways of achieving this miracle and they have a 98% success rate*. I have also begun to believe that I have been selfish to be withholding this potentially lifesaving information from other people. So here goes, these are a few ways to make people stop talking and listen to you or run away screaming for help. If you want them to listen to you, I suggest you have the argument in a locked environment that only you know how to get out of for best results.

1. Count till ten This is a wonderful way of dealing with anger, specially if you do it out loud and in a threatening manner that makes the other person sure that you are going to flip your shit once you get to the last number. There are few things more satisfying in life than watching an annoying person scramble away in haste trying to get as far away from you as possible. Unless you like that person and don’t want them to run away, in which case, I am sorry, but this is not the list for you.

2. Take deep breaths If you can make that very visible and sounding like the bulls from old cartoons, EVEN BETTER! And shake your head from side to side as if you are trying to shake the extra anger from your body…or trying to dislocate your head. But don’t do the dragging your foot back and forth thing, that will probably be overkill and will make you look ridiculous. Trust me, I know.

3. Think calming things But don’t let go of your anger. If you’re calm and angry at the same time, that’s the best possible combination for the freakiest expressions ever and NO ONE wants to mess with a psychopathic, deranged creature. If they still want to mess with you, I suggest you leave since they’re probably derailed themselves.

4.  Calm yourself in other ways If thinking calming things doesn’t work for you, try to focus on other things that will make your boiling anger go cold inside. Staring off into space suddenly while in the middle of a heated argument is a sure-fire way to make the other person JUST STOP TALKING ALREADY!!!! And then when you have silence, speak in a low, hushed tone even if what you’re saying isn’t all that important after all. That will prevent the other person from interrupting you.

5. If all else fails, start laughing hysterically Falling down while laughing and banging the ground with your fists is a great way to show people that you mean business. And once you realize you can’t laugh anymore, get up with a straight face and continue the argument. You will be feeling much better and clear headed and you will find that people are less likely to butt in while you are talking.

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So this is a tiny list of things that I might or might not have done in order to get out of arguments that I did not want or really just wanted to win. If you actually do anything in the list, I only ask you to record it and show it to me for research purposes. *Terms and Conditions apply

I don’t like you, online shopping sites

Okay so I read manga which is not the same as comics and yet whenever asked to explain what it is I say Japanese comics. If you say manga=comics I will kill you though. Just thought I’ll tell you.
And I am one of those people who actually buy things they like even if they can have them for free online. I don’t know why. I could buy a ps4 with that money, but no…. I have to buy books that are lying there in my hard disk along with all the anime episodes. I suck* at money management.
Anyway, I ordered Fullmetal Alchemist a few days ago which was all nice and supportive of me even though I’m sure the author’s already made millions off the series, but that’s not what my rant is about. I mean, it is about FMA, but not the series.
So the website told me I’d have the books delivered by 24 January which was okay, I would be in the middle of my exams then and the books would be a perfect waste of time to ensure that I get to repeat my first year of college. Then I get an email a week later saying they’ve been dispatched already. Nice.
Then today I get a message telling me to stay at home because the books are put for delivery.
I forgot to put in cereal in my milk in my excitement. I had to put it in after I’d gone through half the bowl and it tasted like a bowl of mush. Fuck you cereal.
I was walking around the house and put on pants with pockets because I was excited enough to get the money out and all counted and in my pocket so that I could just shove it at the delivery guy and grab my books.
I didn’t play video games and sat down stairs watching TV like an old person so that i don’t miss the doorbell and my dog barking his head off.
I didn’t even listen to songs because it was too much of a risk.
Then when it finally became obvious that the books were not coming and I had wasted my whole day watching TV when I could have wasted it playing games, I was upset. I was seriously considering doing nothing and sitting in a corner sulking about the no-show when I got a message saying that the books were not delivered because the fucking recipient of the things was not at home.
I call bullshit. Absolute load of fresh bullshit. I’m Indian, I should know (I sound horribly racist!). I was at home, having cancelled all the interesting parties my totally real and non imaginary friends had totally not forgotten to invite me to. I was sitting there in front of the door like a little dog (except for the fact that my dog never does that for me because he’s a massive jerk). I was looking at every vehicle that passed by, earning suspicious looks from people because I was staring at them. And you’re telling me that I wasn’t home? Fuck you.
I am severely disappointed in Internet shopping sites and though this is not going to stop me from using them for everyday things, I will rant about it on the Internet because that’s what people who have a lot of time but not enough time to actually do something do.
*My phone refuses to accept the word suck. WTF? You’ve clearly never used a straw before, phone! And by the way, you suck.
Okay. I guess my rant is over now.